Codependence is a crisis of the soul. It is not just how we give ourselves away to another human being such as a spouse. Codependence is all the ways we give our power away to intimates, to strangers, to society, or to projects or careers that do not represent our own heart's desire. We can even give our power over to a God we may not experience as connected to us at all, but more to a religion we hardly even believe in.

To me, codependence is not a disease. Nor do I see it as a label anyone should use to define one's self. Codependence is never who you are; it's something that you do. Remember, anything you say "I am" to has a way of claiming you! This is an inviolable cosmic law. The ways in which we identify ourselves become our life.

I believe codependence is, simply put, unconscious living. It affects those of us who have not yet awakened to our innate spiritual power, who do not yet see that a destiny much larger than our painful addictive ways is awaiting us. It is not unusual at all for any of us to fall into a codependent pattern of relating at some point in our lives, and especially in our intimate relationships. I believe that codependence is in essence a facet of the human condition we all must deal with in order to learn how to love. How else can we discover what true love is unless we practice, and hopefully learn from our mistakes. Until we wake up and actively begin participating in our own creation story, we tend to fall victim to the destructive patterns of codependent living. We focus in the wrong direction, avidly fixated on some "other," instead of on the unfolding of our own truth and rightful expression in the world.

Once you decide that you are worth it and you start to make a strong connection inwardly, a miracle will happen in your life. You'll tap into your life's work and your unique true expression that only you can fulfill. You'll see that you are already designed to be a co-creator, a conscious participant in aiding our troubled world to move on to a more loving way of being in all our relations as spiritual souls living here in human bodies. This sense of meaning and purpose to your life will fulfill you.

The new paradigm of human psychology coming to the fore today holds the key to the healing of our codependent illusions. It focuses on a philosophy of wholeness that views us as both an ego and a soul. And offers ways to enter the inner life and the psychospiritual realities that reside deep within every human being. The life of the mystic, of the spiritual adventurer, resides in all our depths. And frankly, most people I've known with severe problems of addiction are just this: misplaced mystics who feel they've been born on the wrong planet! They are people with a strong sense and vital need for the spiritual life. But haven't yet found their avenue of true expression.

If you feel you are one who is troubled by codependence patterns of relating, here are three "seed thoughts," that will help you stay in your truth as you weave your way beyond this troublesome knot of your own making:

1) Remember always that you are both human and divine. Trying to be just one or the other simply does not work. We are a "hybrid species," made of both spiritual and human essence. So we must learn to honor our more abstract spiritual searching and the ways spirit enters into our ordinary life, while simultaneously honoring our human needs, such as a healthy sex life and gaining a sense of high self-esteem. Our egos are not evil; they are the ways Spirit manifests concretely in this world as the executors of our personal selves. Every ego has its rightful role in taking care of you and only you! Without a healthy ego, a person can wind up in a State Hospital unable to tie her shoes! By the same token, to try and be "just spiritual" is also a terrible mistake. This causes us to deny our human nature and try to live above our human needs. And this never works. It will cause repression, then an acting out of the very thing we believe we hate about ourselves. For example, if a male minister plays like he has no sexual needs, and publicly condemns sexuality as evil, he will repress these energies until he might find himself running off with his married secretary, or worse, wind up in bed with a "lady of the night" and showing up on the front page of his local newspaper! We've all had times when our shadow acted out in ways that embarrass us. And this is because we've not allowed some ordinary human need to appropriately express itself without shame or blame.

2) The Self is greater than its conditions. Codependence and addiction are conditions; they are never who you are. These are predicaments our soul takes on while trying to learn to be human! Remember, we already are spiritual; it's human we are learning (the hard way) how to be! The soul in innocent in this reality, and it can become attracted to anything that seems like fun or has an intensity of feeling connected with it. So it might dive into an addictive relationship, only to learn that this does not feel like love! Or it might start to drink alcohol or use a drug that feels really good at first, only to find out that this is not the way we humans find that permanent "high" we all so desperately yearn to find.

The Self is a universal archetype that we each participate in individually. And it is eternal. As said in the Hindu Bhagavad Vita:

"Weapons cannot hurt the Self and fire can never burn him. Untouched is he by drenching waters, untouched is he by parching Winds. Beyond the power of the sword and fire, beyond the Power of waters and winds, the Self is everlasting, ever One. Know that you are, and cease from sorrow."

Nothing "out there" can never harm the divine essence of You! Anytime you need the courage to move beyond some entrapment you find yourself in, you can partake of a moment of Self-remembrance and call on the Divine Self within. And it will respond. It will remind you to step out of your condition, look it squarely in the eye, and name it. The sense of distance that results helps you see your problem objectively as something you are doing, not something that you are. And figure out how to resolve it. By using this dis-identification exercise every time you feel hooked, you will eventually start to see that life's conditions are simply the chess board upon which all the pieces of your life play out. You'll see that every condition you pass though in this life is simply another lesson in love.

3) Whatever you way "I am" to, you become. Listen to youself and see if you can discover all the ways you define yourself. "I am" this.. "I always" that. "I never" whatever. And with just a quick survey, you'll see how each of these identities limits you, and is indeed bringing you your life! For example, what happens to a woman who believes she is only happy as "a mother" when all her children grow up and no longer want a mother's energy penetrating their now adult lives? What happens to "the successful business man" when he meets with a financial failure? These can become suicidal issues if not seen for what they are and released. The great mythologist Joseph Campbell said we'd better have a great big story or no story at all; it's all those little stories, he said, that get us in so much trouble. It's better to identify yourself as "a child of God," or a "spiritual being in a human body" any kind of universal identity with no limits will keep you on the mark.

A wonderful story I heard once exemplifies that you are always more than your current condition or the limited identity you've gotten caught in. Years ago, my friend and collegue Ram Dass was talking on the call-in radio show he was hosting in New York. A woman caller was on the line, crying desperately that she had overdosed on drugs and was going to kill herself. She went on and on hysterically, saying she was going to die. After listening for several minutes, Ram Dass calmly replied, "Please put the one of you who dialed this number on the phone. It's her I want to speak with. She can save you."

Take a moment now and get in touch with any tendency you have to disown who you truly are, or to any limited identity you may now have outgrown. Once recognized and owned, your unconscious attachment will begin to dissipate, and any extreme in your life will come into more balance.